sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
