The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
