My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
