if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
