i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
