My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
