Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
false alarm, still single
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