are you still at the devil's house?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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