I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
