life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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