I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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