Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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