i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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