I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
