Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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