Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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