Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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