when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
