how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
