Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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