i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
