Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
