Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
