I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize