I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
