i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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