OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
