Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
