Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
