Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
