im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
