I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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