remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize