Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
