Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
