He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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