I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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