Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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