dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
