It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
