you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
