I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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