I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize