spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
