I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
