So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
