I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
