I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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