I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
