i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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