dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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