Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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