You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
