in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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