Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My balls are so social today.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
