please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize