i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
