My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
