amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
