can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize