her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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