hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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