Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
