I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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