well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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