He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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