I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
