My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
