You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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